Reality, offline.

 

To censor or not to censor that is the question I ask myself daily. As if gossip goes to a whole new level when someone decides to take control of their life, make it ala carte, give or take religion and morals and what you need and just take what you want. Not caring about anyone but yourself and see who stays. This is me, my exact ugly, on the table. Do you still want on this ride? I mayhavevsugar coated or left things pu to protect my position in your life, but now I ready to own it, bare it, areviy

 

Beginnings. Ends.

To censor or not to censor, that is my only question. Within the last year I have experienced life in a way a million others think they have. You see, I will say this now in my very first blog – dont forget it, I am living my own, unique, customized just for me kind of journey. I will never claim to know how anyone is feeling or express meaningless words in any time of sorrow, tragedy or pain. A girl watches her mother slowly dying from cancer, and it changes her. I know so many before me have had cancer or family has had cancer, well my grandmother had the same cancer as my mom and while the first death I witnessed was age 14, it didn’t take the wind from my sails, just yet…I developed PTSD from watching my grandmother take her final exit that year. From that I thought I would never recover. I was well into my 30’s before I could not just cry driving past their property. I would relive those final moments over and over until I passed out sometimes and as soon as my heart started really hurting, I could close my eyes and picture her laughing and I was ok. Just being a teenager was hard enough, now an adult, I’m facing a life alone, because my mom, my moral compass has left the building for good, and I will never hear her call my name again, she faded off to sleep on the night when Santa comes less than a year ago, now. And I have not been the same. Finding a new normal, daily routine when she was it for so many years of my life has been a challenge, one I wasn’t ready to accept. I took myself on a roller coaster a ride I am still on, from birth to expiration, I will be here, so I better figute out what it is I need to do to survived the rest without her. So I invite you to this blog, I can not promise you will read anything you agree with, like, understand, or even soak in. It is purely an art form of healing for me as I finish the ride, called life.