Beginnings. Ends.

To censor or not to censor, that is my only question. Within the last year I have experienced lifeĀ in a way a million others think they have. You see, I will say this now in my very first blog – dont forget it, I am living my own, unique, customized just for me kind of journey. I will never claim to know how anyone is feeling or express meaningless words in any time of sorrow, tragedy or pain. A girl watches her mother slowly dying from cancer, and it changes her. I know so many before me have had cancer or family has had cancer, well my grandmother had the same cancer as my mom and while the first death I witnessed was age 14, it didn’t take the wind from my sails, just yet…I developed PTSD from watching my grandmother take her final exit that year. From that I thought I would never recover. I was well into my 30’s before I could not just cry driving past their property. I would relive those final moments over and over until I passed out sometimes and as soon as my heart started really hurting, I could close my eyes and picture her laughing and I was ok. Just being a teenager was hard enough, now an adult, I’m facing a life alone, because my mom, my moral compass has left the building for good, and I will never hear her call my name again, she faded off to sleep on the night when Santa comes less than a year ago, now. And I have not been the same. Finding a new normal, daily routine when she was it for so many years of my life has been a challenge, one I wasn’t ready to accept. I took myself on a roller coaster a ride I am still on, from birth to expiration, I will be here, so I better figute out what it is I need to do to survived the rest without her. So I invite you to this blog, I can not promise you will read anything you agree with, like, understand, or even soak in. It is purely an art form of healing for me as I finish the ride, called life.